unorthodox
by Phantomphaeton
Summary: Revenge is a dish best served cold. As cold as the morning air while holding your lover in a foreign bed. Hiccup finds a creative way to establish his alpha male status and Astrid is along for the ride.


.

It started on the first day of autumn. Not night. Day.

"You're too young to understand," Ludvik said bitterly, nudging Hiccup aside and moving past him. "I don't know what Stoick was thinking, putting you in charge—"

"Don't talk to him like that," Snotlout begins, stepping forward.

Hiccup holds his hand up to stop him. "It's alright, Snot. Let him talk. Sorry you feel that way Ludvik," he said calmly. "Anything I can do?"

"Just let me handle this," he said. "It's a grown man's job."

Hiccup quietly stepped out of view. Astrid couldn't understand it. He had been blindingly frustrated only a moment before, but was suddenly cool. Of course, she didn't realize that by then he'd already had the idea. So she'd gone searching for him. She actually started in his house, but Toothless was there alone chewing on a document that was probably very important. She next checked the forest, where he used to go to kick trees and throw rocks and scream at the top of his lungs when he knew no one could hear him. But he wasn't there either. She found him at last in her room, sitting crosslegged in the center of her bed playing with his thumbs. He looked up when she entered.

"I've been looking for you everywhere," she said. "Are you okay?"

"I've had a thought," he said.

"Out with it."

"It's a really dirty thought."

"Now you _have_ to say it."

"He's annoying. Ludvik."

"Yeah, he's an ass. You wanna egg his house?"

"Nah."

"Put beetles in his soup?"

"Nah."

"Oil his staircase?"

"Nah. I was—" Hiccup paused, getting to his feet and standing before her. "I was thinking something a little more…unorthodox."

"Like…?"

"Like…you really wanna help me?"

"If it'll make you feel better, yeah."

"Then you gotta come with me."

"Okay."

"You can't ask me any questions about it cause I'm not really sure how to explain it exactly."

"Uh huh."

"And you can't ever say anything about it to me or to anyone else afterwards."

"Alright."

"Okay. Let's go."

And Hiccup took her hand and led her out the door, down the stairs, across the roads and past the houses until they reached the tall blackwood door that was Ludvik's. Astrid's first thought was that they were indeed going to egg his house, but then Hiccup looked around quickly to ensure the road was empty, then he opened the door and slid inside. He tugged her hand, urging her to follow. She looked up and down the street before she did.

Ludvik's house wasn't a total mess. An empty plate on the table, an apple on the floor. They looked around, Astrid tucking her bangs behind her ears and getting ready to turn the table over. But Hiccup just took her arm and pulled her upstairs quickly. He opened each door carefully, checking behind it before closing it again and moving on.

"What are you looking for?" Astrid asked.

"Shhhh! I thought we agreed no questions?"

"This isn't a question about what we're doing, it's a question about what you're looking for. Maybe I can help you find it. What are you trying to steal?"

"His peace of mind," Hiccup said cryptically, checking behind one door and pushing it open all the way. He pulled Astrid inside and closed it shut behind them. Astrid looked around. It was the bedroom.

She made a beeline for the dresser, pulling it open and looking inside, trying not to move anything. "It doesn't look like he has anything valuable here. Could you please tell me what it is you're after?"

But Hiccup didn't answer. He just walked over to her, turned her around, and pressed his mouth to hers urgently. Her eyes widened as it dawned on her. He pulled away at last, staring deep into her eyes.

"You're kidding," she said flatly.

He shook his head. "I told you it was dirty."

Astrid just stared at him. "Oh my Gods."

Hiccup pulled her gently towards him.

"This is Ludvik's bed," she whispered hotly.

"Berk is _my_ village," Hiccup countered. Astrid stared from him to the bed, then surrendered with a groan.

Given that it wasn't familiar territory, Astrid was on edge. She rose immediately afterwards and began to pull her clothes on with twitchy fingers. Hiccup lay where she left him, ankles crossed and staring up at the ceiling. He was twiddling his thumbs again.

"Get up," she said, kicking his thigh. "Come on."

"Why? Ludvik won't be coming home soon," Hiccup shrugged. "I can't believe we just did that."

"_I_ can't believe we just did that. Now get up. Come _on_."

Astrid tossed his pants at him. He caught them and huffed, eyes still glued to the ceiling.

"Why are you so rushed? It's nice in here."

"Get _up_, Hiccup!"

"This guy has the best view of the water. What an ass."

"Hiccup, _move_ it!"

"Why are you getting dressed? Get over here so I can spoon you."

"You can spoon me in your own bed, now _move_!"

Hiccup finally pulled himself to his feet, taking his dear sweet time sliding into his clothes. Astrid led the way out of the house, keeping her eyes peeled for a single sign of movement on the road before she opened the door and hurried out. Hiccup didn't seem to feel the sense of urgency. She crouched behind the front door of her house. Hiccup sank to the floor beside her.

"I should have taken a bath first," she whispered. Hiccup was silent. "My skin smells like Bola flowers. He'll smell us on his sheets. Oh my Gods."

Hiccup was still silent. In fact, the only sound he made next was when she had burst out laughing, and he had joined her.

The next time Astrid walked past Ludvik, he seemed to do a double take and she distinctly heard what sounded like a sniff. Then he walked past her and discreetly sniffed again, to make sure. Then his face took on a strangely confused expression, and then he looked at Hiccup and his expression turned to one of utmost horror, and that was when she decided that Hiccup was on to something.

Ludvik never talked down to Hiccup again.

.

His next victim was Gobber. Not for any real reason but that Gobber had thought it was funny when a new Nadder that Hiccup had been training decided to show him its breakfast the old fashioned way. Astrid already had the idea running through her head, and Hiccup had locked eyes with her while Gobber chuckled and she knew he was thinking the same thing.

Gobber had his unibrow in a tight line the next morning. No one could guess what was bothering him, not even him.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you, Hiccup," he said to him at the table. Hiccup only stared at him with this almost smile on his face.

.

One time when Hiccup was at a meeting with his father and the other chiefs, Toothless came sauntering into Astrid's yard and literally dragged her to someone's house. It took her a few minutes to guess that wherever Hiccup was, he was well and truly angry with some poor soul. Astrid faithfully waited for Hiccup by the window of who she guessed was Chief Henrik's guestroom and when Hiccup came in at last, Astrid got to her feet and pulled off her tunic.

"We need to make this fast," she said. "I have to meet the twins at the stables."

She lay back, but Hiccup shook his head. "Bend over," he said, and the crease between his brows was so deep Astrid could have swam in it.

"That bad, huh?"

"I can't even—" and he shoved his own fist into his mouth to bite back his frustration.

Chief Henrik didn't stop there. He snapped at Hiccup again that very same evening, to which Hiccup could not respond. He only stared at him with a smile on his face that frustrated Henrik even more and Astrid huddled up into a ball so no one would notice her shaking with laughter.

.

It was fun to keep it a secret, but it would have been truly hilarious if they let someone else in on it. So she told Ruffnut, but only after she swore on her first born son that she wouldn't tell a soul. Which she did. She told Tuffnut, which didn't strike Astrid as surprising since they practically shared a brain. Tuffnut brought Snotlout into the loop, and he brought in Fishlegs, and they decided without ever speaking a word that Eret must never know because they had already used his bed the day before.

.

Stoick lost it once on Hiccup—like _lost_ it. And while he was yelling, Astrid's eye wondered to the door of his room, and then snapped back to meet Hiccup's, and they both decided right then that that would never, _ever_ happen.

.

The gathering chiefs never really thought much of Hiccup. He didn't mind anymore and Astrid knew that for a fact because every time they opened their mouths he would just give them this dazed smile and it would frustrate them all to tears except for Henrik, who might have finally come to grips with what was going on because Hiccup would meet Astrid in his room even when he _hadn't_ done anything wrong. It was weird and it was arguably pretty messed up but Hiccup had never done anything the conventional way anyways so why win a fight the conventional way? It was unorthodox, but so was he, and that was probably why she agreed to it at all.

_-end-_


End file.
